If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
