i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
