the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
