You don't have asthma, your pregnant
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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