my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
