i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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