My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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