my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
