when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
