I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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