Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
