I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
