I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
