also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I touched a dick in church today
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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