Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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