So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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