can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
