I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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