so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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