btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
