As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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