I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize