margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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