i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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