Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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