and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize