Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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