I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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