I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so let's talk penis.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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