Apparently you make a good broom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
