Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize