Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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