Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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