You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
is that a dick in a sweater?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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