just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
