Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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