the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
