i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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