I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
