Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
