Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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