I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
