he was CRYING into my vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
