But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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