Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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