No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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