I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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