I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
