Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
