no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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