soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize