On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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