I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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