I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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