if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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