Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
