I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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