i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
