Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's blow job season.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
