I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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