my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
