can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
