If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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