the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize